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Can't You Just Do it For Me? I'll Pay You Well...   
12:45pm 01/08/2005
 
mood: Fuck, I'll Pay You Anything
01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.

02. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.

03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...

04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.

05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.

06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.

07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.

08. Put this in your journal.
 
     

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I Can't Fix a Car, But I Can Fix a flat...   
08:19pm 31/07/2005
 
mood: I Could Fix a Lot of Things...
The Good:
*Go read John Irving's "Until I find You." Right now.
*I've more or less solidified my plans for the upcoming months and I have few things left to set in stone. I'll be a student in another city with a whole new grand perspective. I'll find a suitable job and continue to write and paint when I'm not spending time with "kindred spirits" and those that I already care deeply for. Matthew believes that Jackson possesses a "rubber-band effect" that the indigenous are unable to escape... I certainly can't overlook the fact that all of those that I've come across that have attempted to break free have been flung back to their start in some mussed fashion, but clearly I will be the first to penetrate the bubble that surrounds 'ol Podunk-Ville and sever my bond for good- excluding the occasional visit to see my family and the remainder of my true companions. I'm excited to find another job to keep myself busy when I'm not in school. At the moment, I don't mind being a working stiff and I won't mind it elsewhere. That would be a definate indicator to me that I'm a gal with a regular agenda. I'm too used to chaos- especially inside my head. It will be a nice change of pace. Of course I have higher expectations for the future, but for right now, I'm pleased as punch acknowledging the normalcy that has granted stability to enter into my little world. My standards for just about everything else have risen, though. If given the inclination that my proximity to someone that will cause my confidence to dwindle or strike doubt into my mind is far too close, then I will have no problem with an instantaneous dismissal. I'm through with those that seem geared to waste my time and soil my sense of self. Books are some of the best companions and television is a greater annoyance. Less alluring is the eulogy buisness and more glamorized is the prospect of filling my head with something enriching. I've learned that you can be chock full of high hopes and good intentions, but without the initiative to move forward, you'll do nothing but stand still. You've got to endure the toil and tedium that is required for taking the next proper step, and hindsight will prove that going after what you so strongly want to achieve is worth working, waiting, and fighting for. That includes a career, social status... that includes love. I've been making earnest attempts at distancing myself from anything and anyone that may be detrimental to my progression. I know what I want. But now I can say with vehemence: I know what I want and I will get it. I've been allowing myself to be pinned down by my personal issues and worse, the issues of others that don't even necessarily pertain to me in any way. In doing so, I've put off engaging in what I know I will benifit from. It's entirely to easy to procrastinate because swimming against the current will tire you out at warp speed, but once you've surpassed the waves and the shore is in view, you'll know for certain that every second of that struggle put you closer to your prize.
*I've been feeling quite inadequate amogst those that have repeatedly been in my presence as of late, not because I don't have anything to offer, but rather, I've spent less time considered a friend. Not wholly insulting, but discouraging nonetheless. So I choose to not stand by the wayside, as I would have done in the past, but excuse myself from activities involving those that make me feel so isolated and take part in festivities with others that embrace me on all levels at any time of the day. I've come to the conclusion that it is my right to indulge and enjoy living- a right that I will abuse thusly. I won't thrust myself into a situation where I should belong but don't feel as though I do. My... How far I've come.

The Bad:
*My journal has herpes, it seems... or the equivalent of Tribbles from Star Trek.
*The goiter on wee sibling's rump won't relent in weeping filigrees of puss from teh sission made by a cheeky butcher from the hospital. She'll be sleeping on her stomach for weeks. Watching her squirm as she was poked and prodded on the medical table invoked hidden pathos that compelled me to lavish her with a hefty amount of motherly concern. I deserve the sister of the year award for sitting through her procedure- I can't even begin to describe the putrid stench that wafted from the punctured abscess on her backside. -Gag-
*I don't understand why being away from the boy translates into a sort of desperate loneliness within me. I can't help but look at it as an innate weakness that inside I urge myself to squash. That's when the brusque exterior is applied and I comes across as perpetually irritated when I'm around him. Perhaps it's because I'm anxious. (Nothing new) Maybe it's because I'm afraid that I'll slip up. Or it might be envy. Regretfully, I have yet to come across the person who fully comprehends the process of the figurative heart.

The Ugly:
*The death toll rings at five. Goddamn it, Aamber...
 
     

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01:20pm 15/07/2005
  So much good news stifled by longing. My life is finally moving like clockwork but I can't even force a smile. Too bad nihilism isn't an attribute of mine, or I'd be just dandy. I hope he knows that his perpetual presence in my head effects my judgement for the better. I hope he knows that he's the only human being in existance that I've given all of my trust to. I hope he knows that I love him. I miss the inordinate hours studying pool and gabbing with his friends that i considered to be mine as well and the town itself.
It was all so familiar the other day. I can't mend the fabric with splintered knitting needles... What a royal mess I've made. Time to salvage like mad.
 
     

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*Public Service Announcement*   
11:35pm 22/05/2005
  Just so everyone is aware, the last entry was geared toward a majority of the people I've come across in the last several months. The entry did not apply to certain people- good friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin, and you know who you are. I love you guys. I'm not apologizing for anything I've written, I stand by it all. Everyone has their downfalls, i know i certainly do, but I know when i loom above the rest. Thank you and good-night.  
     

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Introducing Charlotte... The Fucking Kamakaze RockSuperstar AKA Bitter Bitch   
09:31pm 21/05/2005
 
mood: secular
I am plagued by that ruddy little mental toe sock known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I over-analyze every given situation. Any person that speaks to me more than once has knowledge of this because it is most evident. My ability to seperate myself from any given situation and observe every angle and possibilty gives me exemption from the upcoming reprimandation. So allow me to take a moment to assume the position of an elitist (Matt, Arnie, you guys truly are rubbing off on me!) and get my patronizing stick ready. I was going to rant about the tummy disrupting shananagans of boys, but you're all in luck, for there will be no discrimination displayed in this journal today, due to the fact that currently both genders are making me ill!
>Girls<
Piffling away about absolutely zip and neglecting to take a moment to listen to the drivel spouting fourth from their quivering gobs... Like pez dispensers with their noxious buss diherrea. I mean, fuck, not once in the last six months have i held a conversation with a female (Excluding a select... two: Veronica and Sandy) that wasn't pertaining to bad hair days, celebrity obsessions, or smudged lipstick. The overpopulation of valley girls is daunting. They can manipulate and do it well. While I believe that manipulation in itself is a nefarious deed, there are those that practically invite others to psycholically ream them and therefore deserve it. Before anyone starts in with the fingerpointing and accusations of me frequently playing doormat, I shall reiterate that my oogy powers of circumspection hoodoo gives me a leg up on most, i can eaily place myself in someone else's boots which results in Amanda being overcome with empathy and, in turn, gives people a great deal of leeway- oftentimes too much.

>Guys<
Jesus H tapdancing christ... (Someone tell me what the fucking H stands for, eh? Humbert? Harlold?) I have never encountered so many male drama queens in my life. I'm talking about boys, twenty-somethings who've balls have yet to drop, boys, who chortle at the destruction of the dreams of young girls, boys, that whine and pout when they don't have a shiny new toy to bend and deface and brake, boys, that broadcast all the disqusting details of their relationships both long term and short. The whole world is not privy to your fuck buddie's personal buisness. Boys. Fall off the planet, all of you.

In other news, new projects are beginning and i couldn't be more thrilled. The formution of a brandspanking new band is in the works involving Sandor of Electrophile and Saint Christopher. The thought of performing again excites me. It's so exciting i could...pee. But I won't. Be afraid. I'm also designing logo previews for Sandor's band.. My copious desire to create has left me floored. I haven't been this inspired in a great while.
My father had open- heart surgery recently. There is plenty of bad blood between the two of us but i believe that the possibility of death thing trumps all of that. Hes bleeding out... Such morbid painting envisionments. My father and I share the same cardiovascular defects... Murmers and palpatations... Identical stichings and bruises. (Metephorically speaking) Will it soon be my turn on the operating table?

Fuck it. I need something sugar-coated.
 
     

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01:59pm 08/02/2005
 
mood: It's TIme the Truth Comes Out

Poor White Trash College StudentsCollapse )
 
     

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Choking on the Splinters   
02:22pm 02/02/2005
 
mood: Let it all Out
I plan on adhering to my New Year's Resolution: Document every day by taking pictures. I attempted to do this last year, but... This year needs to be brighter already. Everyone must be down with me sticking my Nikon in their faces.
 
     

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"Here Comes the Wahmbulance..."   
01:52pm 01/02/2005
 
mood: Wanna be Somebodies
I used to believe that altruism was the only way to go. Self sacrifice to become the simplist of heroes. I shared that with someone and they told me that the concept was a crock of shit. That altruism will never get you anywhere and that you need to look out for only yourself. I still adhere to my previous beliefs, but the whole point of altruism is to not benifit from the outcome of any given situation that you had a hand in that involves things working to the advantage of someone else. Eventually that catches up with you.
I experienced some flashbacks the other night. Back to when i was in some mindfuck relationships and back to when i was a young kid. I never used to belive that i deserved some of the things that i was put through. But now i'm beginning to wonder if i did on some level. If i'd been marked in some way. I'm recognizing certain gutteral feelings, swellings, that are all too familiar. I don't enjoy swathing in that childish fear from long ago. It's penatrating my insides and i don't know how to fix internal damage. I need my superman. I sure as hell don't know what's best for me, but i know what i want. There i go being selfish again. It's easy to throw pity parties for yourself when turning a blind eye to those who are in agonizing pain. Matt's "wah" theory comes to mind and i feel like I should shut my worldhole.
Everyone here in Jackson is leaving me on Saturday and Sunday. Someone come visit? Please?
 
     

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Visceral   
01:56pm 31/01/2005
 
mood: Love lies bleeding in my hands
Lonely...
I was completely stoec at the funeral. I've seen everyone have their emotional moments but I've yet to have mine. I know what this means and it scares me. It means the festering hurt and anger i have within will eat a gaping hole at the center of my rotten core. I've got to release it all... but i can't do it on my own. Someone take me away... Take pictures with me, take me dancing, smile at me, and tell me i'm not poisoned. Tell me I'm wonderful and mean it. Tell me anything at all.
I need someone that knows more dick and fart jokes than I do.
Someone that I can call "poetry."
Someone who has faith and can lend me some.
Someone that couldn't fathom being verbally or physically abusive towards me.
Someone who embraces and appreciates my idiosyncracies. Someone who can empathize or at least attempt to rather than berate me for them.
Someone to snuggle with me at all times.
I am such a hopeless case.
 
     

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Bursting from our Brittle Casings...   
03:38pm 26/01/2005
 
mood: Someone to hear your prayers
There's something oddly soothing about taking a piss while Manson is wailing in your ear. "The man" managed to prevent a panic attack from rattling my flesh mound today- he's magic, methinks.
 
     

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You know when you found it,there's something i've learned,'cause you feel it when they take it away   
12:51pm 24/01/2005
  Clair is gone. As is my closest girl friend from highschool. 2005 has just begun and i can't wait for it to end.  
     

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For Clair...   
10:33pm 17/01/2005
  There once was a girl with cherry blossom cherub cheeks
With the world cupped within her pale hands
She wonders how detrimental dropping it would be
To shatter such a lovely specimen
With such ugly little details
But to crush it all is to create permanent and, perhaps, fatal etchings
Remember the beauty in destruction
The tiny smudges down below are all tear slicked and back bowed
Because they’ll never forget
She’ll give it all a shake
And clear the cobwebs and the haze
Look closer, you’ll see
She’ll finger paint with the remnants
And find them knelt among the debris singing, not yet dirges,
But her songs of care bear stares and velvet goldmines
She’s juiced their souls like pomegranates
Bled dry, spit out the pits
So contagious, the way she sighs
Tell me angel, with clipped wings, what does that make you?
Smiling, she’ll turn her gaze with glitter-dust on her lashes
Decisive at last
Treading the obelisk to the stars
Where the asphodels are eternal, as is she
And she can finally sleep.
 
     

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07:16pm 04/11/2004
 
mood: Skins Crawling
*Wanted*

Prolific writers willing to send arbitrary mind batter on paper to the backwoods. Will be received and responded to by reclusive soot-eyed insomniac.
This means you.
 
     

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Writer's Journal, Entry #3   
08:24pm 27/10/2004
 
mood: they beat us
The Mathematics teacher is increadibly scattered. But in a good way.
Unbeknownst to them, i play peek-a-boo with my semi-attentive semi-conscious classmates- a delightfully motley bunch, while Miss Flustered and Faltering continues to slir and misspeak in the same manner that I do.
She's frumpy, i notice. Like that of a pastor's wife. White turtleneck, white tights, purple floral pull-over, matching skirt... Ghastly attire for a woman that's undoubtebly at her most nubile.
I enjoy creating line graphs. Educational connect-the-dots.

My eyes glaze over.
 
     

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08:04pm 27/10/2004
 
mood: assiduous
Writing Experince
Significant Event Essay

Moving...

I moved to Kalamazoo at the beginning of August
Fast forward:
Difficult to settle in... social ineptitude is unfortunate.
recounted strange and conveluted misadventures
I fleshed out stories in my head and on paper.
Soul-baring
tomfoolery
psychology,dieties, quarrels
inordinate amounts of time spent -skip- strategems, play by plays, Politics: Liberal faggotism and spineless conservatism. Religion: The differences between declaring yourself and atheist and an agnostic and the cosmic goo that holds the universe together. Former girlfriends/boyfriends: The salacious come-ons, the heartbreak, and the belligerent behavioral aftermath.
Had job, was expunged from job. Unsure if i willfully terminated my employment or got myself fired.
Panic
OCD tangles
-skip-
blistering versimilitude
Consolation
-skip-
-skip-
At JCC... Residing in the sticks. (It's all gone in reverse)
 
     

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05:02pm 18/09/2004
 
mood: You need a timekiller-
Hi, my name is Amanda and i've been a resident of Kalamazoo for over a month now. Nice to visit with you all.
I'm living with Big D and Cluis for the time being... Hopefully washing dishes and occasionaly running errands or playing no-charge cabbie will be enough to convey my gratitude for the current roof over my head.
*I'm employed at Copymax working minimal hours. Did i mention its a Nazi-run establishment? My manager tries to be a boyscout and attempts to filter out whats "unprofessional." I guess everything about me is unprofesional. Buuuut... I don't acquiesce so easily, i'm the curmudgeonly sort and he can kiss my grits; the pretentious ass.
*I've been spending a lot of time at "Rocket star-" a quaint little cafe not too far from the apartment that's populated by the lost souls demographic. You know- college kids studying for hours on the couches, emo kids discussing politics and music, philosophizers. Sometimes i want to climb on top of those rickety, stained tables and belt out a Bowie tune (preferably Station to Station or the all- encompassing success of David, Ziggy Stardust) in sheer Hot Topic wear and tall boots. I'm sure I'd get a rouse out of someone. And i'm sure it'd make me feel a little less numb.
...But that would be a little too darling for little ol' me, wouldn't it? That's what I'm told, anyways.
While "I'm just a girl in the world" (name that song) performing publicly or the mere thought of it continues to be undaunting.
*I've been looking to engage in a debate with someone all day. When i get fired up I can exchange the articulate witticisms like nobody's buisness.
*Walking in Kalamazoo (yes, for exercise) helps me air out the noggin and buys me some time with music. It also allows me to people watch, one of my favorite past-times, and boy howdy, this town is overrun with "interesting" characters. (Translation: possible products of incest)
*I am not a verbal punching bag, thank you.
*I chatted with my Robin today! I can't wait to see you, babe!
*Somebody go with me to Grand Rapids. I have a vehicle... I need the company.
*I'm beginning to want something that i know i will never acquire. Covetousness- i'm violating one of the ten commandments, aren't i? *shrugs*
*Time to do some more research on my current story project. Thanks to a long night/morning or brainstorming at the cafe with cluis, citing passages from Everyman and other Chaucer stories, and taking breaks to laugh and greet familiar faces,my passion for writing has been upped to a whole new level. Not to mention, the companionship has alleviated a great deal of stress.

More from me to come, i'm sure.
 
     

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Please Kill Me.   
03:09pm 06/07/2004
 
mood: I wanna be sedated
I know that not every bad thing that happens to me is an earthshattering experience. But...

Alcohol+inbred hick/pothead crowd+a baseball bat+jealous yokel bitch= not such a great July 4th.

And fuck me, i have to deal with these people and what happened until my ass in moved in with Big D and Cluis.
 
     

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Snickerdoodle.   
03:22pm 17/06/2004
 
mood: Heynowheynownow
So... It's all planned out.

At the end of July/beginning of August i'll be moving in with Dave in Kalamazoo until Danielle and I find an apartment near her workplace. I'm excited (a little too excited) that i'll be able to stay with Dave while she and i search. I must seek out Robin and the rest of the gang and spend as much time as possible with them before i take my leave. *Joygasm*
 
     

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Dastardly bastardly...   
10:59am 03/06/2004
 
mood: Pressure
Some completely amazing turnabouts have come about in my life...

Let's begin with my birthday. The day of my becoming a legal adult i hopped into 'ol "De Colores" and zipped on out to Kalamazoo (On my own, for the first time). He bought me some incredible gifts and i spent two amazing days with him.
My position at Tenneco Automotive was eliminated due to budget cuts, so i was forced to job search for a wee bit 'o time.
I managed to make it to the May Novi Con despite financial difficulties:
Upon arriving at the Novi expo center, i momentarily froze my balls off outdoors, and paid the atrocious $18 entrance fee (was bestowed with a nifty green wristband)
Ron and I immediatly caught sight if each other and we decided that we'd be accompany each other for the day. He introduced me to the Ghoul and we struck up an interesting conversation about a dominatrix in Cleaveland and the Ghoul's new show. Then the hulking form of Froggy, the ever grinning, bulgy eyed mass of green that's been ressurected from slicing and dicing umpteen times or more, appeared behind us spouting, "HIYAHIYAHIYAH" (He was restricted to speak only that slurred greeting) and gave us all bear hugs.
Froggy was adept at shmoozing his way into a girl's arms- many pictures were taken with the over sized amphibian and his cheesewiz and crackers wielding creator.
Extra special moments with the Frog man:
* He scrawled to me in a mini notebook reading, "Froggy needs a date" and "I have big feet! :)" (He frequently gestured to his freakishly long bubble toed shoes that he professed to have paid an exorbitant sum for *Insert Barnum and Baily references from Ron here*)
* Ron took a photograph of froggy on his knees and folded hands in the air in a pleading position while the red-head donned in military garb that Ron was so enthralled with pointed her fake gun at his 100% cotton groin.
* A few Playboy Bunnies posed for pictures with Froggy and allowed us to throw crude comments about in their general vicinity.
Every time i've gone to the Novi conventions a certain artist/photographer has found me and taken my picture. This time around was no different, his friend with the slightly disturbing, but moreover, hypnotic glacier eyes, informed me that "Marvin" was looking for me and that i should be aware. He indeed found me and gifted me with a large drawing that he did of me from one of the photos he took at the lost con. This picture is... indescribable. The detail is astounding, i don't think i've ever been more flattered and dumbfounded.
He took a few more photos and I made $60 in the process.
I gabbed with Corey Marie for a bit and ogled her merchandise (Bought a handmade kitty hat and bat winged hat). Her boy Tod was quite pleasant and endearing.
I was offered three modeling jobs (?!) which will call for me to make a few drives to Grand Rapids and make appearances at some shows. I'll make a nice chunk of cash from all of that- now to get back to work on sculpting these abs. *Cries*
I ran into a sweet girl wearing a nifty corset on my way into the loo- she warned me of the toilet that failed to do it's duty and flush all of it's contents and complimented my dress. Later on, Ron spotted her and dubbed her with the moniker, "Corset Lady" and was persistent about catching up with her and having a chat. (Which eventually happened- he spotted her and had her come over and we all introduced ourselves. She was darling and gave me her email address so we could keep in touch... she was also a sport and endured several tummy pokes from the ever so "frustrated" Ron)
Unfortunately i didn't get any art from Mr. David Mack this year, being the accomplished artist he is, he was tied up with all sorts of fans and customers, but i did get to chat with him a bit and i took his picture. Coolio.
Note to self: Never again walk around in kinky boots for eight hours straight without a tidbit of food in your gut.
My haul:
A mirror with celtic designs on the back
A black and pink kitten hat
A purple bat winged hat
A stuffed Lenore doll
4 Spells comics signed by Chris yambar and Levi Krause
2 Arsenic Lullabys comics
Shiver in the Dark #2 signed by Stuart Sayger
A handmade wallet by Aaron Bordner
2 Harley Quinn Prints
A devil girl drinking out of a skull print
2 window stickers for my car
A signed Ghoul mug
A signed Ghoul poster
A Ghoul bumper sticker
A blue leather cuff
New sketches in my book from:
Andy Lee
Stuart Sayger
Levi Krause
Big Nate
Aaron Bordner
Corey Marie
Becky Grutzick and various others

To top it all off, i'm now a contingent employee at Chelsea Community Hopsital that will be making from $8.90-$10 an hour. The money i make from this job plus what i make on the side from "photo whoring" will enable me to make the move out to Kalamazoo with that much more security and ease.
 
     

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razzle dazzle hizzle dizzle fo’ shizzle   
01:25pm 06/02/2004
 
mood: He took it all too far
Curt made this in Photoshop from a picture taken of me about a year and a half ago…Es Verdad- I dig it:
 
     

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