*Go read John Irving's "Until I find You." Right now.
*I've more or less solidified my plans for the upcoming months and I have few things left to set in stone. I'll be a student in another city with a whole new grand perspective. I'll find a suitable job and continue to write and paint when I'm not spending time with "kindred spirits" and those that I already care deeply for. Matthew believes that Jackson possesses a "rubber-band effect" that the indigenous are unable to escape... I certainly can't overlook the fact that all of those that I've come across that have attempted to break free have been flung back to their start in some mussed fashion, but clearly I will be the first to penetrate the bubble that surrounds 'ol Podunk-Ville and sever my bond for good- excluding the occasional visit to see my family and the remainder of my true companions. I'm excited to find another job to keep myself busy when I'm not in school. At the moment, I don't mind being a working stiff and I won't mind it elsewhere. That would be a definate indicator to me that I'm a gal with a regular agenda. I'm too used to chaos- especially inside my head. It will be a nice change of pace. Of course I have higher expectations for the future, but for right now, I'm pleased as punch acknowledging the normalcy that has granted stability to enter into my little world. My standards for just about everything else have risen, though. If given the inclination that my proximity to someone that will cause my confidence to dwindle or strike doubt into my mind is far too close, then I will have no problem with an instantaneous dismissal. I'm through with those that seem geared to waste my time and soil my sense of self. Books are some of the best companions and television is a greater annoyance. Less alluring is the eulogy buisness and more glamorized is the prospect of filling my head with something enriching. I've learned that you can be chock full of high hopes and good intentions, but without the initiative to move forward, you'll do nothing but stand still. You've got to endure the toil and tedium that is required for taking the next proper step, and hindsight will prove that going after what you so strongly want to achieve is worth working, waiting, and fighting for. That includes a career, social status... that includes love. I've been making earnest attempts at distancing myself from anything and anyone that may be detrimental to my progression. I know what I want. But now I can say with vehemence: I know what I want and I will get it. I've been allowing myself to be pinned down by my personal issues and worse, the issues of others that don't even necessarily pertain to me in any way. In doing so, I've put off engaging in what I know I will benifit from. It's entirely to easy to procrastinate because swimming against the current will tire you out at warp speed, but once you've surpassed the waves and the shore is in view, you'll know for certain that every second of that struggle put you closer to your prize.
*I've been feeling quite inadequate amogst those that have repeatedly been in my presence as of late, not because I don't have anything to offer, but rather, I've spent less time considered a friend. Not wholly insulting, but discouraging nonetheless. So I choose to not stand by the wayside, as I would have done in the past, but excuse myself from activities involving those that make me feel so isolated and take part in festivities with others that embrace me on all levels at any time of the day. I've come to the conclusion that it is my right to indulge and enjoy living- a right that I will abuse thusly. I won't thrust myself into a situation where I should belong but don't feel as though I do. My... How far I've come.
*My journal has herpes, it seems... or the equivalent of Tribbles from Star Trek.
*The goiter on wee sibling's rump won't relent in weeping filigrees of puss from teh sission made by a cheeky butcher from the hospital. She'll be sleeping on her stomach for weeks. Watching her squirm as she was poked and prodded on the medical table invoked hidden pathos that compelled me to lavish her with a hefty amount of motherly concern. I deserve the sister of the year award for sitting through her procedure- I can't even begin to describe the putrid stench that wafted from the punctured abscess on her backside. -Gag-
*I don't understand why being away from the boy translates into a sort of desperate loneliness within me. I can't help but look at it as an innate weakness that inside I urge myself to squash. That's when the brusque exterior is applied and I comes across as perpetually irritated when I'm around him. Perhaps it's because I'm anxious. (Nothing new) Maybe it's because I'm afraid that I'll slip up. Or it might be envy. Regretfully, I have yet to come across the person who fully comprehends the process of the figurative heart.
*The death toll rings at five. Goddamn it, Aamber...