Blasphemy! made manifest (spyre) wrote,
Blasphemy! made manifest
spyre

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"Here Comes the Wahmbulance..."

I used to believe that altruism was the only way to go. Self sacrifice to become the simplist of heroes. I shared that with someone and they told me that the concept was a crock of shit. That altruism will never get you anywhere and that you need to look out for only yourself. I still adhere to my previous beliefs, but the whole point of altruism is to not benifit from the outcome of any given situation that you had a hand in that involves things working to the advantage of someone else. Eventually that catches up with you.
I experienced some flashbacks the other night. Back to when i was in some mindfuck relationships and back to when i was a young kid. I never used to belive that i deserved some of the things that i was put through. But now i'm beginning to wonder if i did on some level. If i'd been marked in some way. I'm recognizing certain gutteral feelings, swellings, that are all too familiar. I don't enjoy swathing in that childish fear from long ago. It's penatrating my insides and i don't know how to fix internal damage. I need my superman. I sure as hell don't know what's best for me, but i know what i want. There i go being selfish again. It's easy to throw pity parties for yourself when turning a blind eye to those who are in agonizing pain. Matt's "wah" theory comes to mind and i feel like I should shut my worldhole.
Everyone here in Jackson is leaving me on Saturday and Sunday. Someone come visit? Please?
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